September Leave

Greetings everyone…..from the land of Georgia and Ohio – (Georgia and Ohio – which we believe is Arabic for “Grampee sitting on his backside not doing anything!”)

Shelby (standing), Sam (in front of Shelby), Jaide (happily choking Sam) and Jared (this was actually better than his school photo this year…)

Allow us introduce ourselves. We are Shelby, Jaide, Sam and Jared…. and we are Grandpa’s little monsters. Well, Grandpa is going to be on RnR for a couple of weeks – so we decided that we would “take over for him” and tell you one of our Grandpa’s favorite stories. He loves this story so much, he usually tells it to us at least once a year. As we tell the story to you today, Grandpa will occasionally put a comment in – you’ll know it because he will write: “GP – ed” (for Grandpa edited)

SHELBY:

I’m Shelby and I am almost 13 – and I am in middle school….. so I am smarter than all of you. So here is how the story starts….

The year was 1986 – and Grandpa has always had weight problems….he is short (about 5’8”) and he was extremely overweight – over 300 lbs. He was not proud of it – and he has lost about 20 lbs since then (…HEY!....GP-ed). Anyrate, it was a HOT summer day in Sacramento, California – where Grandpa and Grandma lived. Well Grandpa got an invite to go to “Water World” with the Del Paso Heights Church of God Youth Group.

Water World was your typical water park – with curly slides, and pools and water-themed rides. But, the big attraction at Water World was the large straight slide. According to Grandpa, it was over 5,000 ft tall (…I have told these kids millions of times not to exaggerate – GP-ed). And the slide had two big bumps as it plummeted to earth. At the bottom, it leveled out and had this small pool of water to slow you down and stop you. The pool at the end was only about 2 feet deep. The idea was to put your feet down into the water and it acted like a water-brake.

WaterWorld in Sacramento California – circa 1986

It was very hot that day….and the way the slide worked was – there was a “waiting area” circling around the end of the ride – right next to the small pool of water at the bottom of the slide. Everyone standing in line would watch the people go down the slide. It was so hot out – that the people in line wanted to get splashed with water from the pool.

JAIDE:

I’m Jaide. I’ll take over from Shelby for now….and by the way, I think I am a princess. And if you don’t agree, I’ll sic my pig, Percilla, on you!  So back to the story…..

Well, it became pretty apparent that “bigger people” would cause a bigger splash – and everyone would “cheer” a heavier person (because they splashed more water on the waiting crowd) or they would “boo” a lighter person – because a lighter person would hardly splash any water on the crowd.

So it was finally Grandpa’s time to leave the waiting area and walk up the steps to the top of the slide. They handed him this little tiny towel. He asked, “What’s this for?” and the teenage girl that handed it to him said it was to sit on as he slid down the slide. Now, again, we love our Grandpa – but he looked at that towel and thought,  "I am going to have to slide down on one cheek" ….as that little towel – it may have been fine for a 16 year-old anorexic butt – but there was no way it was gonna hold up through this cannonball slipping down the slide…..but he took the towel anyway.

So he climbs up to the first landing (and has to stop to catch his breath while all of the 16 and 17 year-olds went running up the stairs past him…..a few “lapped him” a couple of times on his way up) and then he would walk up to the next landing to catch his breath again and so on, and so on – until he finally gets to the top. By that time, he is sweating so much, everyone thinks this is his third trip down the slide – as he is soaked! With sweat! YUK! EW - GROSS!!

Finally, Grandpa decides to go down the slide. He grabs his little towel – and of course he notices all of the little 13 year-old girls sitting on the towel and holding on to the sides of their towels as they slide down.

Grampee going down the slide….where did the towel go???

 Holding on to both sides of the towel wasn’t an option for Grandpa….but he finally goes up to the edge of the slide – where there is another little 15 year-old “lifeguard” (by the way, the only thing she probably could have “guarded” was a sunburn – as she weighed about 55 lbs and probably 5 lbs of that was suntan lotion on her nose…..GP-ed)

So the “lifeguard” says two things…. of course Grandpa is staring at the 5,000 ft drop – and is paying very little attention to her.

What the Lifeguard says:

 “1. DON’T lean back and 

   2. When you get to the bottom, PUT YOUR FEET into the water….”

What Grandpa hears

“1. Lean back and 

  2. When you get to the bottom, DON’T put your feet into the water”

SAM: 

Hi. My name is Sam Wade and I would really rather be playing video games right now so I'm gonna do that and let Jaide talk some more. Bye! 

JAIDE:

Sigh…okay, here I am again to do Sam’s part as well…..

So Grandpa “sits” on the towel….now, the towel was plenty wide for the 12 year-old girl’s butt – but it was nowhere near big enough for Grandpa – so he reaches in front and grasps the front of the towel and then sits down.  He looks down and pushes off the edge and starts going down the slide….

Big mistake……     Big.   Big.  BIG.   Mistake.

As soon as Grandpa pushed off – he knew it was a problem. First, the towel disappeared….. we always ask where it went….. but Grandpa just says the towel disappeared somewhere into Outer Space – as he says it wound up somewhere between the two Moons of Uranus…. and he thinks he found it weeks later – but he is still not sure…. Now, I don’t know all of the mathematical formulas that Grandpa talks about – mass and velocipedes and centripedes – but he weighed a lot –and he was sliding down the slide really fast…. he says he could actually hear the crowd down below (about a hundred of them) “catch their breath” in anticipation as he went hurdling towards them. So he goes SCREAMING down the slide – to the first bump…. his body hits the top of the bump and…..

He catches air…..up into the air – he starts to turn a little bit – and luckily hits the side of the slide – otherwise – who knows where he would have ended up. He could hear the crowd below gasp, “Whoooaaa” as he caught air and then he slammed back down onto the slide…. and just kept careening towards the bottom at breakneck speed.

Then….he hit the second bump – and the crowd gets even louder, “WHHOOOAAAHH”. He catches more air than the first bump….. faster and faster he is going….. now the slide starts to level out. He is a little ball of flesh flying down the plastic slide – he is flat on his back and his feet are up in the air. The “g-forces” won’t let him put his feet down – he is moving so fast – his facial cheeks are flapping in the breeze like those astronauts when they ride in that spinny thing. And all of a sudden, he hits the little pool of water and immediately starts spinning – not slowing down at all – he is spinning wildly around in a circle – SHOWERING the people standing along the side – waiting for their turn…..and there….at the end of the pool ….is…is a…..

JARED:

Hello.

My name is Jared. I am Grampee’s youngest monster…. And I interrupt. It is what I do. I don’t say a word for hours and then the moment you start talking – I interrupt. I don’t care what you are saying. Most of the time when I interrupt I will go “Ummmmm……” once I have your attention. And then I will forget and start making things up that make no sense. Ummmmm…….

SHELBY: 

Let me tell it…..let me tell it…..let me tell  it….this is Shelby – you know – I haven’t told you all in several minutes how much smarter I am than you because I have a friend who is almost in high school….now….what were we talking about?

SAM: 

Hey, I finished my video game and I want you to go buy me another one….

JARED:

Hey….Hey…..Hey…..Hey…..Ummmmmmm

SHELBY:

Let me tell it….let me tell it…

Okay….okay. This is Mr. Wide again…. As usual, the grandkids started fighting and I had to yell at them and look for a stick to beat them with…..(I know you all know how much I enjoy beating them…) Okay so to end the story….

I am spinning around like crazy and there at the end of the pool is a little Asian gal – she was maybe 14 or 15 and about 70 lbs. soaking wet. And of course, this huge mass of Wade comes hurtling at her like Haley’s comet about to take out Pluto.

She starts backing up out of the pool – (and again, I am going on memory here – as I was spinning like a 78 LP record) – but she has both her hands up like she is going to catch me….. or stop me. Probably at that point, I was moving so fast, I think that IF the towel would have come out – that would have knocked her to the ground…..and she was going to try and stop me???

Luckily,  the water-brake took over and I came to a stop. The crowd is GOING AB--SO--LUTE--LY WILD!!! They are cheering and screaming – cause I just SOAKED them….I mean like back to the 12^th row – I just covered the crowd with water. I stand up…..unfortunately, my “swim suit” (it was a comfy 3x) was up under my armpits – with the world’s wettest (whitest) wedgey…. So, I do the only thing I can – which is “play to the crowd” and wave my arms over my head like I am the champion of the world – they go even wilder……my adoring public….

All of a sudden, the little Asian gal comes running up to me and starts yelling at me, “Didn’t you pay attention?  You should put your feet in the water…..Next time you go down I want .......” I cut her off….

“Next time?  NEXT TIME??  NEXT…..TIME?  Are you crazy? Did you just see how I came down that slide? You are going to have to gag me and tie me and drag me up there to get me to go again – are you insa….”

And then…. I heard it…. it started as a low rumble – was slowly getting louder and louder and LOUDER….. a chant…. it sounded like….could it be?  It was…..

“Again”…… "Again"….."Again”…. Louder and louder…. "Again"….. "AGAIN"…… "AGAIN"… "AGAIN!"

So I turned to the young lady – she was staring at me like I had just mailed her a death threat….and a big smile broke across my face…..

“My fans await me!” I informed her and I turned and trotted off – to find another towel and to head up the stairs – but as I was leaving – I yelled to the waiting crowd “Give me a half hour or so to get up the stairs!..... I’ll be right back!” The screams and whoops filled the air as I wandered off.

So that is the end of my sto…

JARED:  “Hey Grampee…..Hey Grampee….Hey Grampee…”

GRAMPEE: “What Jared?”

JARED: “Ummmmmmmm……”

SAM: “I want another video game!”

SHELBY: “I’m smarter than you….I’m in middle school”

JAIDE: “I’m a princess – now call me princess or I am gonna punch you”

JARED: “Ummmmmmmm……”

SAM: “It’s Warworld XXIV – its so much better than the other 23 versions I have that are stashed under my bed that I never play….”

SHELBY: “I’m going over to see my friend….she knows everything – she is in 9^th grade”

Sorry, everyone – but for the next few weeks….I am on RnR. Yep............  Nothing here but Restin’ and Relaxin’….. I will resume my email updates in a few weeks when I get back to return to the adventures of “My Year in Iraq”

God Bless America

Mr. Wide

مهندس  واد  بروير

This is resting and relaxing??

Week 23 - My Week In Iraq

Eid-a Kumbarack (Happy Eid to you!)

Greetings from Umm Qasr….(Umm Qasr – which I believe is Arabic for “sure it’s hot – but just imagine how much money you are saving on firewood!”)

I hope you enjoyed your three days of partying and celebrating for Eid (you may have seen this spelled different ways – it really doesn’t matter as it is a “phonetic spelling”) – But after Ramadan – which is established by the moon – they have “fahtour” (break fast) and then the 3-4 days of Eid. This is a national holiday - very similar to our Christmas – where a lot of people want to go home and spend time with their families and enjoy some “down time.” I have basically moved all of my meetings until after Eid – and I told the Commodore, whom I met with a week ago – I don’t mind delaying these meetings – but remember this at Christmas time….I am expecting some payback.

Okay, this is Iraqi fast food….but that is Kharoof (lamb) in buri-ani 

(rice with sweet raisins and pine nuts)

– you eat this with a little bit of hummus, some samoon (Iraqi flatbread in the 

bag behind) and maybe a little bit of laban (yogurt). 

Then you finish the whole thing off with some baklava

(hey…..one is missing!  What is up with that???)

Now THIS is the way to Fah-tour (Break the Fast!)….whoo hoo!

I will say this, even though I show you all of the food they have given me….. I have seen the strain fasting takes on people – and yes, you can say they still get to eat and drink at night – but next time it is 100 degrees outside – trying going out and working in the yard and not drinking all day…. my point is that towards the end of the month – after 30 days or so of this, most of the people are very tired and exhausted. However, they will also tell you that there is an “accomplishment” for their fasting as they have made a commitment to Allah and kept it.

So anyrate, I am amazed at the parallels between Eid and Christmas (as far as how people react) – for instance – right before Eid, all the prices for stuff goes up – especially clothes – and of course, once that is over – (I am totally serious here…) you have the “After Eid Sales”…… (Here is another reason why I will never be a Muslim – for one, I couldn’t afford 3-4 days of gifts – and two, I don’t know how much money Jeanette would ‘save me’ if she went to all of the ‘after Eid’ sales….)

Another interesting thing is those people who couldn’t fast (because of work) are expected to contribute financially to the poor people – especially those poor folks who did fast. That way, they are “participating” in the spirit of Ramadan. Just like those of us who help the poor (especially during the Holidays) and those who “keep Christmas in their hearts all year long.” As stated before, the young, the elderly, women nursing babies, etc. all do not have to fast. But you have to understand (and this is part of the “culture gap” we have) – that people here WANT to fast – they don’t look for ways to get out of it… they have done it all of their lives – and to them it is part of the tradition of Eid.

Very similar to the many traditions at our house….. like me - eating all the cashews out of the mixed nut jars and leaving all the rest of the nuts…. or me - rummaging through the kids’ trick-or-treat bags and taking the first big candy bar….or me – biting off the ears of the chocolate bunnies…..or me - having chocolate cake (with peanut butter) for my birthday….or me – spraying the Reddi-Wip whipped cream directly into the grandkids’ mouths (and then filling my own mouth right afterwards)….as I tell Jeanette – these are part of OUR traditions…and they may seem strange to you…but they have a purpose….(and I left out “me- yelling at the TV because the football player made a bad play”) but they are “TRADITIONS!”

Okay, for those who don’t think I eat healthy, this is called “torshi” 

and it is pickled vegetables. They pickle almost everything over here.

 This is one of those things I really wish I could share in person

with Jeanette – she loves pickled stuff (and lemon) 

– and I am just not a fan of either. The torshi is okay – 

but I prefer it when you smother it in hummus, rice and kharoof!

Another thing I have told you about is the custard with a little jello topping and they put raisins in it. (they just call it ‘custard’ – no fancy name.) This is a very popular (light) dessert for breaking the fast at Ramadan. Now I have told you how I VERY rarely eat at the DFAC here – as the food is terrible. But even rarer is when I will eat the DFAC desserts (too heavy – mostly cakes). So several of the Iraqis have brought me this – this custard is probably my favorite dessert of all the Iraqi food – it is light (the custard is probably a few calories) but it is sweet and the flavors blend so well.  I don’t know about professional cooks and stuff like that – but I consider myself a professional eater (sometimes, I am TOO much of a professional at that….) but what I like most about the Iraqi food is how they “blend” all the flavors… you will get some mild – then some sweet, then some tart (think of the custard – mild, the raisins – sweet and the jello – a hint of tartness) and it just melds together. That is kind of how I think of all of their food – just a rainbow of flavors.

Come to me….my little bowl of Iraqi goodness…this is the custard….

jjuuuuust before a “quick trip” to visit Mr. Wide…

And for those of you worried that I am going to be coming home 400 lbs heavier – relax….395 tops…

Actually, when I go out, I have to have quite a bit of gear on – and when you take a 4 hour tour or so – with the full “battle rattle” gear on – you can use up quite a bit of energy. The building I am touring below does not have power on (hence – no ac) and it was around 115 degrees when I was looking at it….but notice who has to wear all of the gear? This was towards the end of the tour – and if you look close, I do have my camelback (if you don’t know, that is a backpack that holds about 2 liters of water). So that little “getup” I am wearing weighs about 40 lbs. or so (and when I go out with the Iraqi Navy, I wear a long sleeve shirt and t-shirt…..and don’t forget – the hat!)…my point being – I am doing okay with weight and physical things….which is good. I have heard of people gaining a lot of weight when they are deployed – but trust me, they weren’t at this DFAC.

Here I am with a couple of Iraqi “Major equivalents” –

and Mohandis Amjad (in the blue shirt) standing in front of me. 

We are touring the building and noting some defects that need to be corrected.

So actually overall, it has been a slow week. Eid officially started Tuesday – but as I mentioned, think of the week leading up to Christmas – people are taking leave, getting ready to do family stuff – so there is just not a lot of decisions or briefings, etc. that people want to do. Mostly we are responding with (again, like December 15^th on to the end of the year….) “can’t it wait until the New Year starts?” And most of the time, it usually can.

Also – yes, I “rag” on the DFAC here – they are terrible (some people actually think this is one of the better DFACs – to which I reply that I may want to fast as well….even without Ramadan….) – but they do correctly do one thing pretty darn good….(and no, I am not talking about “pre-packaged food”, which is my “favorite” from our DFAC….) – it is the cutting up of vegetables to make it look like flowers…here are two quick photos….

Two examples of the “vegetable cutting to make it look like flowers” –
I also included the one on the bottom to show you our one “alternative” to rice –
spaghetti – with the most gosh-awful meatball and “tomato?”-based
sauce that you have ever had….but any rate, I am convinced
that they put these vegetables out there so it distracts you from the food.
Which leads to another question….if they can make the vegetables
look like flowers, why can’t they make the food look like food???

Well, once again, my time with you is about over. I guess as I look back at this update – it is mostly about food….it’s funny, but I think some of the stuff I am doing – designing a master plan for a new base, designing a family area for Officers, working on a concrete boat ramp – these are all interesting and fun – but for me – the real diversion is when I can sit around with the local interpreters, the local engineers and some of the other civilians/sailors and talk….that is always done around food – so I think maybe that is why I ‘gravitate’ towards talking about it. I am hoping the coffee shop will open soon – as that will be another place to congregate and talk.

I just wanted to share this photo with you…..
Haleem said “I will go get us some lunch” – and this is what he comes back with….
for the two of us….it is hard to see – but in the big section of the square
plastic-wrapped plates is kharoof kabob (sheep) and there are
vegetables in the other two sections.  Haleem KNOWS I love (ahab) hummus –
so he got me the little round plate with hummus, spaghetti and vegetables.
Then he ordered “extra samoon”… there were 8 samoons….for lunch!
Well, obviously, this became several lunches and a dinner or two.

On a different note…. I have an RnR trip scheduled in the next week or so – and I will probably take a trip to Basrah (enshalla – God willing) to look at a Maritime Academy that the Iraqis want me to work on – so I will have an update next week (a “special one”) for you and then I won’t have an update for a few weeks. But I will start writing again once I get settled and back in place – probably around the beginning of October.

Until then, I hope this finds you well. I have worked 27 weeks in a row now (counting the training that I went to before I came to Iraq) without a day off and in mostly very physical/nasty conditions – so I must admit that I very tired and a LOT homesick….and I am looking forward to a couple of weeks back in the states with my girl (and my dogs and my motorcycle and my kids and grandkids and….well you get the idea).

Just for a short period – I will be home…..isn’t that the best “four letter word” ever?  Home….

“Home” – it is sweet – and ever so humble – it is my “castle” – my rest – and it is my yearning place. It is where my heart is and there is no place like it – it is so close – yet it is a million miles away. It is the place I would choose to be more than any other place on earth. It is my center of the universe and I would give my life to protect it…..and to keep it free. My home.

I am coming home.

God bless America

Mr. Wide

مهندس  واد  يربرو

Bonus Photo alert….

Okay….nobody leaves the country until someone fesses up about who took my hat……