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| Shelby (standing), Sam (in front of Shelby), Jaide (happily choking Sam) and Jared (this was actually better than his school photo this year…) |
Allow us introduce ourselves. We are Shelby, Jaide, Sam and Jared…. and we are Grandpa’s little monsters. Well, Grandpa is going to be on RnR for a couple of weeks – so we decided that we would “take over for him” and tell you one of our Grandpa’s favorite stories. He loves this story so much, he usually tells it to us at least once a year. As we tell the story to you today, Grandpa will occasionally put a comment in – you’ll know it because he will write: “GP – ed” (for Grandpa edited)
SHELBY:
I’m Shelby and I am almost 13 – and I am in middle school….. so I am smarter than all of you. So here is how the story starts….
The year was 1986 – and Grandpa has always had weight problems….he is short (about 5’8”) and he was extremely overweight – over 300 lbs. He was not proud of it – and he has lost about 20 lbs since then (…HEY!....GP-ed). Anyrate, it was a HOT summer day in Sacramento, California – where Grandpa and Grandma lived. Well Grandpa got an invite to go to “Water World” with the Del Paso Heights Church of God Youth Group.
Water World was your typical water park – with curly slides, and pools and water-themed rides. But, the big attraction at Water World was the large straight slide. According to Grandpa, it was over 5,000 ft tall (…I have told these kids millions of times not to exaggerate – GP-ed). And the slide had two big bumps as it plummeted to earth. At the bottom, it leveled out and had this small pool of water to slow you down and stop you. The pool at the end was only about 2 feet deep. The idea was to put your feet down into the water and it acted like a water-brake.
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| WaterWorld in Sacramento California – circa 1986 |
It was very hot that day….and the way the slide worked was – there was a “waiting area” circling around the end of the ride – right next to the small pool of water at the bottom of the slide. Everyone standing in line would watch the people go down the slide. It was so hot out – that the people in line wanted to get splashed with water from the pool.
JAIDE:
I’m Jaide. I’ll take over from Shelby for now….and by the way, I think I am a princess. And if you don’t agree, I’ll sic my pig, Percilla, on you! So back to the story…..
Well, it became pretty apparent that “bigger people” would cause a bigger splash – and everyone would “cheer” a heavier person (because they splashed more water on the waiting crowd) or they would “boo” a lighter person – because a lighter person would hardly splash any water on the crowd.
So it was finally Grandpa’s time to leave the waiting area and walk up the steps to the top of the slide. They handed him this little tiny towel. He asked, “What’s this for?” and the teenage girl that handed it to him said it was to sit on as he slid down the slide. Now, again, we love our Grandpa – but he looked at that towel and thought, "I am going to have to slide down on one cheek" ….as that little towel – it may have been fine for a 16 year-old anorexic butt – but there was no way it was gonna hold up through this cannonball slipping down the slide…..but he took the towel anyway.
So he climbs up to the first landing (and has to stop to catch his breath while all of the 16 and 17 year-olds went running up the stairs past him…..a few “lapped him” a couple of times on his way up) and then he would walk up to the next landing to catch his breath again and so on, and so on – until he finally gets to the top. By that time, he is sweating so much, everyone thinks this is his third trip down the slide – as he is soaked! With sweat! YUK! EW - GROSS!!
Finally, Grandpa decides to go down the slide. He grabs his little towel – and of course he notices all of the little 13 year-old girls sitting on the towel and holding on to the sides of their towels as they slide down.
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| Grampee going down the slide….where did the towel go??? |
Holding on to both sides of the towel wasn’t an option for Grandpa….but he finally goes up to the edge of the slide – where there is another little 15 year-old “lifeguard” (by the way, the only thing she probably could have “guarded” was a sunburn – as she weighed about 55 lbs and probably 5 lbs of that was suntan lotion on her nose…..GP-ed)
So the “lifeguard” says two things…. of course Grandpa is staring at the 5,000 ft drop – and is paying very little attention to her.
What the Lifeguard says:
“1. DON’T lean back and
2. When you get to the bottom, PUT YOUR FEET into the water….”
What Grandpa hears
“1. Lean back and
2. When you get to the bottom, DON’T put your feet into the water”
SAM:
Hi. My name is Sam Wade and I would really rather be playing video games right now so I'm gonna do that and let Jaide talk some more. Bye!
JAIDE:
Sigh…okay, here I am again to do Sam’s part as well…..
So Grandpa “sits” on the towel….now, the towel was plenty wide for the 12 year-old girl’s butt – but it was nowhere near big enough for Grandpa – so he reaches in front and grasps the front of the towel and then sits down. He looks down and pushes off the edge and starts going down the slide….
Big mistake…… Big. Big. BIG. Mistake.
As soon as Grandpa pushed off – he knew it was a problem. First, the towel disappeared….. we always ask where it went….. but Grandpa just says the towel disappeared somewhere into Outer Space – as he says it wound up somewhere between the two Moons of Uranus…. and he thinks he found it weeks later – but he is still not sure…. Now, I don’t know all of the mathematical formulas that Grandpa talks about – mass and velocipedes and centripedes – but he weighed a lot –and he was sliding down the slide really fast…. he says he could actually hear the crowd down below (about a hundred of them) “catch their breath” in anticipation as he went hurdling towards them. So he goes SCREAMING down the slide – to the first bump…. his body hits the top of the bump and…..
He catches air…..up into the air – he starts to turn a little bit – and luckily hits the side of the slide – otherwise – who knows where he would have ended up. He could hear the crowd below gasp, “Whoooaaa” as he caught air and then he slammed back down onto the slide…. and just kept careening towards the bottom at breakneck speed.
Then….he hit the second bump – and the crowd gets even louder, “WHHOOOAAAHH”. He catches more air than the first bump….. faster and faster he is going….. now the slide starts to level out. He is a little ball of flesh flying down the plastic slide – he is flat on his back and his feet are up in the air. The “g-forces” won’t let him put his feet down – he is moving so fast – his facial cheeks are flapping in the breeze like those astronauts when they ride in that spinny thing. And all of a sudden, he hits the little pool of water and immediately starts spinning – not slowing down at all – he is spinning wildly around in a circle – SHOWERING the people standing along the side – waiting for their turn…..and there….at the end of the pool ….is…is a…..
JARED:
Hello.
My name is Jared. I am Grampee’s youngest monster…. And I interrupt. It is what I do. I don’t say a word for hours and then the moment you start talking – I interrupt. I don’t care what you are saying. Most of the time when I interrupt I will go “Ummmmm……” once I have your attention. And then I will forget and start making things up that make no sense. Ummmmm…….
SHELBY:
Let me tell it…..let me tell it…..let me tell it….this is Shelby – you know – I haven’t told you all in several minutes how much smarter I am than you because I have a friend who is almost in high school….now….what were we talking about?
SAM:
Hey, I finished my video game and I want you to go buy me another one….
JARED:
Hey….Hey…..Hey…..Hey…..Ummmmmmm
SHELBY:
Let me tell it….let me tell it…
Okay….okay. This is Mr. Wide again…. As usual, the grandkids started fighting and I had to yell at them and look for a stick to beat them with…..(I know you all know how much I enjoy beating them…) Okay so to end the story….
I am spinning around like crazy and there at the end of the pool is a little Asian gal – she was maybe 14 or 15 and about 70 lbs. soaking wet. And of course, this huge mass of Wade comes hurtling at her like Haley’s comet about to take out Pluto.
She starts backing up out of the pool – (and again, I am going on memory here – as I was spinning like a 78 LP record) – but she has both her hands up like she is going to catch me….. or stop me. Probably at that point, I was moving so fast, I think that IF the towel would have come out – that would have knocked her to the ground…..and she was going to try and stop me???
Luckily, the water-brake took over and I came to a stop. The crowd is GOING AB--SO--LUTE--LY WILD!!! They are cheering and screaming – cause I just SOAKED them….I mean like back to the 12th row – I just covered the crowd with water. I stand up…..unfortunately, my “swim suit” (it was a comfy 3x) was up under my armpits – with the world’s wettest (whitest) wedgey…. So, I do the only thing I can – which is “play to the crowd” and wave my arms over my head like I am the champion of the world – they go even wilder……my adoring public….
All of a sudden, the little Asian gal comes running up to me and starts yelling at me, “Didn’t you pay attention? You should put your feet in the water…..Next time you go down I want .......” I cut her off….
“Next time? NEXT TIME?? NEXT…..TIME? Are you crazy? Did you just see how I came down that slide? You are going to have to gag me and tie me and drag me up there to get me to go again – are you insa….”
And then…. I heard it…. it started as a low rumble – was slowly getting louder and louder and LOUDER….. a chant…. it sounded like….could it be? It was…..
“Again”…… "Again"….."Again”…. Louder and louder…. "Again"….. "AGAIN"…… "AGAIN"… "AGAIN!"
So I turned to the young lady – she was staring at me like I had just mailed her a death threat….and a big smile broke across my face…..
“My fans await me!” I informed her and I turned and trotted off – to find another towel and to head up the stairs – but as I was leaving – I yelled to the waiting crowd “Give me a half hour or so to get up the stairs!..... I’ll be right back!” The screams and whoops filled the air as I wandered off.
So that is the end of my sto…
JARED: “Hey Grampee…..Hey Grampee….Hey Grampee…”
GRAMPEE: “What Jared?”
JARED: “Ummmmmmmm……”
SAM: “I want another video game!”
SHELBY: “I’m smarter than you….I’m in middle school”
JAIDE: “I’m a princess – now call me princess or I am gonna punch you”
JARED: “Ummmmmmmm……”
SAM: “It’s Warworld XXIV – its so much better than the other 23 versions I have that are stashed under my bed that I never play….”
SHELBY: “I’m going over to see my friend….she knows everything – she is in 9th grade”
Sorry, everyone – but for the next few weeks….I am on RnR. Yep............ Nothing here but Restin’ and Relaxin’….. I will resume my email updates in a few weeks when I get back to return to the adventures of “My Year in Iraq”
God Bless America
Mr. Wide
مهندس واد بروير
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| This is resting and relaxing?? |
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