Week 9 - My Week in Iraq

Greetings from Umm Qasr (Umm Qasr - which I believe is arabic for "It's so hot.....you can turn on your oven, open the oven door and call it ‘air conditioning’...")

First of all, I had to go this “Word” document as the stupid Yahoo over here keeps messing with the formatting – some of you email readers may have noticed it last week – but it would truncate and add lines and spaces and yadda, yadda, yadda in random places. I hate having that happen – and I am sure there is a way of fixing it – but for now, this will have to work. But think of it this way - now it will be easier for you to print this, tear it up, stamp on it and burn it….(or use for puppy training – up to you).

It’s only MAY!!!!

If you got on Facebook – this is what I was ‘holding’ or pointing too…. Yep, that says about 117 degrees.

Okay, what great things did I learn this week.....   one - no matter how nice your hootch is - if the ac doesn't work (when it's 115 degrees outside) - you don't want to be in it. I told you last week, I got a fridge, a TV (and hooked to AFN), a desk, a new bed, a wardrobe - and I was all set to have a nice Friday afternoon of watching Armed Forces Network…. or ‘sports that I don't care about’  or ‘TV series I have never heard of’ (I know.....sounds great, right?!?) - when my AC unit goes ‘belly up’. 

I was actually "skyping" (video tele-conferencing for those that don't have teenagers....) with Jeanette when the ac unit kicked off. In ten minutes, I had to leave the hootch - it got hot that fast. Here is the kicker.... there is no such thing as ‘central air’ over here - they all have these little units – even in our larger facility - we have a bunch of little units. So you find out real fast - you NEVER turn them off (this was part of the problem... I was trying to ‘save’ electricity.... to try and save our generators and stop little fun things like electrical fires throughout the camp... so I would shut off the unit when I wasn't there during the day). Well when the units shut down, it is so hot here and the dirt gets into all the little crevices, etc. that when you turn the unit back on, it has problems cooling the room down. I would do the same thing with the AC unit in my office - and when we opened it up, there was a sheet of ice on the fins of the compressor. And when we turned it back on – it spit pieces of ice at us.

Any rate, we got the my hootch unit back up and working - and I put it on "low' and it runs all the time now. It gets the room down to 80 degrees during the day (but it makes it about 65 during the night/morning hours - which causes you to make sure you are COMPLETELY dry when you get out of the shower in the morning). Any rate, I got my ac fixed - and my little CHU now is actually pretty nice. Now if I could just do something about the neighborhood..... 

I also wanted to show another picture of last week's trip (or what I call the ‘sailing extravaganza’). The first is a pic of your favorite facility guy in Iraq - I am standing on the bow as we get close to ‘Home Port’.........

I’ll never forget good ol’ “whatsisname”

 
and this next one is of a Sadaam-era Iraqi Submarine (that is a joke....hey, it was either that or more CHU jokes..take your pick.) - that is the ‘tower’ of a sunken ship and it was all that was sticking out of the water.

Sadaam-Era Iraqi Submarine “on manuevers”…(i.e. “down”)

Okay, I am not sure what it is with me and Iraqis - but they are always giving me grief…. well, okay, the Iraqis, the Brits, the Marines AND most of the women I know – are giving me grief - but in a fun way. What happened is this... I had to run over to the Iraqi Navy Headquarters and I am wearing my dark blue shirt (and I am 'packin’ heat') and of course….'the hat'.  So as I am walking in (with an interpreter and another guy) one of the guards yells out something that sounds like “Shull-tee!” and the 'Terp starts crackin' up.  So we get inside the building and I asked what was so funny – and the 'Terp told me that the Iraqi Police wear blue shirts and have guns and I looked like one – so they basically called me a policeman – but in terms of slang – like 'cop' (shull-tee). And it was funny to me…. because you have this BOOS guy (my acronym for Bald, Overweight, Old, and Short) walking around like a cop. So after I took care of business in the HQ building – I went out to the guys and jokingly told them I was going to give them a ticket… for speeding. (It was around 110 degrees and they were sitting in the shade – trying to move as little as possible). I don’t know if they got the joke…. but as I have said before…  I crack me up!
Any rate, I included the ONLY photo I could find with me in my dark blue shirt.  And WHAT AN ANOMALY – 

Huh….Wade eating chocolate
and peanut butter….how unusual!

I am eating chocolate and peanut butter when this photo was taken…. that hardly EVER happens… But, since they thought I was a cop – at least I wasn’t eating a donut! As I have said before, in the area of humor, passion of thought, and love of discussion – there are some really good lessons we Americans can learn from the Iraqis.

Okay, I have to admit….I don’t remember every detail I have written in my weeks here. Heck, I barely remember what I wrote last week – or what I had for breakfast for that matter…. so what was I talking about??

Oh yeah….. I don’t remember if I told you about the local Iraqi Engineers I am hiring. I met them this past week and I am very happy that I can have them help me do some of the detail work that I have been trying to get to the last couple of weeks. Part of the problem is I love to design – and I love to create – but I need help with getting down to details – mostly because I don’t have the time to research the intricate details. So I have two very large projects that I am pushing – that I want to get really detailed on – mostly due to the size of the projects. But I also got to admit, that as much as I enjoyed getting to know some of the other Iraqis I have been dealing with, it will be nice to work day-to-day with some engineering types…. even in a foreign country, us “facility guys” gotta stick together.

One of the great things about working in a deployment is, even when you are having a 'slow' day, really interesting things can happen. Thursday was slow – I have been doing a lot of design work (as mentioned above) and spending a lot of time in the office. Well, the Admiral calls me into his office and I got to meet the acting 'Minister of Defense' of Iraq, General Babakir. I was really upset – as I didn’t have my hat…. but we were indoors – so I guess it wouldn’t have mattered. Not to brag – but the Admiral said some really nice things about me – and the interpreter (whom I have worked with) starts saying all of these really nice things (I think she had me confused with someone else!). But my real hope is that as more Iraqi people know that I am here to help them – the more projects I can get that will affect the locals. As much as I like doing work on the Naval Base, my real desire is schools and hospitals (I did work on those in Afghanistan when I went in 04) – so I am hoping that eventually, I can get my hands on those things as well.

As I said in one of my early posts, there are many things I can’t tell you – or I slightly change details in case 'the stupid-heads' are out there watching….. well, one of the things that I couldn’t tell you about was the British leaving (Iraq in general and Umm Qasr specifically) – but it has been published (even though there are some individual Brits here and there) – so I can talk about it. I have only been here two months (seems like two decades) – but I have to say, the Brits were a very good group to work with. They were quite professional (I used them several times when I had to go 'outside the wire' for my personal protection – and I always felt safe). Other than the fact that I had to ask them to repeat themselves any time they talked to me…. (it seemed to me like every time they spoke, they were in a race to get as many words out of their mouths before their lips moved…) – and I was constantly saying, “What?” or waiting a moment or two – hoping my brain would process all the words – and it would sink in (that actually did work a couple of times). But, bottom line is... they treated me like one of their own and put their life on the line for me.

Iraqi, British, and American Sailors, Soldiers, and Marines

The last time the British Flag will fly with 

the American and Iraqi flags at Umm Qasr

And in honor of the Brits who just left…..

God Save the Queen

Well, dear reader and fellow adventurer, my time is up for this week. Thank you for taking part in my journey. And since this is Memorial Day weekend –have a GREAT time this weekend – enjoy your barbecue, go to the beach or whatever…. just don’t forget that there are some wonderful men and women over here (and around the world) that are doing heroic acts and marvelous works. They are putting their lives on the line daily for you and me. Young, old, male, female, white, black, asian-pacific, - this great 'melting pot' of ours – the likes the world has never seen…. it doesn’t matter the color, the gender, or the age…. And I get the pleasure and honor to see them first hand doing an incredible task with an incredible attitude. And you know what I think? I think…. 

God Bless America

Wade “Mr. Wide”

مهندس  واد  بروير

Week 8 - My Week in Iraq

Good Morning!

Greetings from Umm Qasr (Umm Qasr, which I believe is arabic for "it's so hot here, they could drop a nuclear bomb and we may mistake the blast for a ‘cool breeze’...")  Anyrate, if you haven't guessed, it has been warm here, recently, if your version of ‘recently’ is the last 8,000 years or so. But again, I digress. We have consistently been hitting the 110’s.  It is so hot here that we now have turned off our hot water heaters - as the sun takes care of that. My shower this a.m. is not quite as hot as usual, but it is still pretty warm - and of course, we only do Navy showers here (I still do my ‘dribble’ shower).

This week, I had a major step up in quality of life - I got a fridge for my hootch and I trading in the bunk beds for a single - I got a TV (I am also eventually going to get access to Armed Forces Network in my hootch) - so now, when you think of me, you can think of my conditions as if I went to the cruddiest hotel in Death Valley, California. And I can't leave.... (there is a joke in there somewhere about my honeymoon - but I am NOT going to go there!) I hope you have had a good week. BTW, judging from all of the comments, there is a really unhealthy interest in my superhero pajamas.... I may have to see about getting a (tasteful) photo of them in the near future. And for all who said something like, "YOU! In superhero pjs? I'd pay -$1, $5, $100, other amount - to see THAT!" - I will hold you to it. When I send out the photo, I expect you to take any reasonable amount (I think someone said "a million") and give to your favorite charity in honor of my PJ’s. So that will be something I can look forward to (again, I am ALWAYS looking for diversions -as are most people on the camp.)

Alrighty then.... so, how about my week? Well, let's start off with a concern that the HoN (head of navy - in case you don't remember) asked me about. There was this huge area that was ‘in-filled’ with sand and dirt. Well, a part of it started settling and the HoN said that some of his sailors noticed there was standing water in this area - when there shouldn't be. He asked me if I could look into it. (BTW, he has asked me about investigating several different things - and I consider it a huge honor that he asks.... he may not pay attention to what I tell him - but hey, at least he asks.)

So, I told him that this could be a big problem - or it could be nothing – but, we will monitor the area and next time there is standing water there, I will go dig and investigate. Well, we monitor... and monitor... and mon... you get the idea - NOTHING. No standing water in that area. Well, the "rainy season" hit (and in case you were wondering, the ‘rainy season’ is between 1:30 and 4:15 on the 7th of May.) - and it poured for its allotted time. I drove out there and STILL no standing water. Sheesh.... well, it is getting on to 3 weeks since the guy asked me - and I don't want to make him think that I just blew it off.... so I look at the tide charts and there is a REALLY high tide on one particular day. I tell my boss that I am going to go dig on that day - if there is any problems - we should see water then. Alright - so you ask - what is the big deal?  Standing water.....well, here is the thing... Without getting too involved (and if you are a geotechnical engineer, write me later and we can discuss this all you want) - but for this discussion - what I was worried about was water coming into the infill and creating a huge sinkhole. In case you haven't been to southern California - a sinkhole basically happens when dirt under an area gets swept away by water or other forces - leaving a huge void. You can walk on, drive on, heck - even build on top of a sink hole and then,

it will unexpectedly collapse - and swallow houses, and trees and

streets, etc. Okay, so I am dealing with an area that has recently been infilled. So, if a sinkhole is developing, it will only drop about 20 feet or so (at the worst)...so how do you find this sinkhole? You dig.

Ahh, I can see you are bright people - so you are saying to yourself,

"Mr.Wide, how will you dig?  It sounds like it is too big of an area to dig by hand." And you would be correct. Here in UQ, we do what we can with what we have. (Think of us as a bunch of really cheap boy scouts - in the desert...) 

So we go get the only ‘machinery’ we have -which is about a 20-ton excavator (see photo). So here is the problem..... I have to ask one of the military guys (who is certified to operate the excavator) if he will go dig to help me find a potential 20' sinkhole...a ‘snippet’ of our conversation follows:

Military Guy: "So....if I ‘find a sinkhole’ what happens?"

Mr. Wide:  "Well, you will see the sides start to collapse and if you are still in the excavator, chances are it will drop inside the hole..."

MG: "Twenty feet?"

MW: "Nahhh....12 to 15 tops..."

MG: "How do I get out of this 20-ton excavator?"

MW: "As quickly as possible"

Okay, now to be fair, I was pretty certain (after looking at the area -there were no other tell tale signs of potential problems) that we were going to be fine - and that the odds were in our favor there was no sinkhole.  But I wanted him to be aware - just in case it started going and we had to bail.

Additionally, I was his ‘spotter’. I was right there with him as he was 

digging. I had two jobs - to make sure he was digging in the right spots (and to proper depth) and to look and see if the ground started to give way.

Here is how that conversation went:

MW: "Okay - if it starts to go, I will say something."

MG: "Like a code word?"

MW: "We can do a code word if you want. Do you have something in mind?"

MG: "How about ‘GIVING WAY!’?”

MW: "Won't work. I will be running away like Jamie Lee Curtis in a ‘Halloween’ sequel. All you will here is ‘GIIIIIV...’ and then see my backside.  And of course, the Iraqi Navy guys will hear that sound like a train going by - as it drops from a high pitch to a low pitch - as I run by them screaming ‘WAAAAaaaaaaayyyy!’”

MG: "Okay, how about ‘RUN!’?”

MW: "That works for me."

MG: "What will you say after that?"

MW: "I don't know - you will be alone if you are still around after that.  You will find me on the other side of the base after I stop running. Ask me then."

So we get out there in the middle of this field - I had asked for 3 Personal Service guys (Army guys) to stand watch - because, sure enough, we start digging and here comes half of the Iraqi Navy to ‘watch’ and (JUST LIKE IN THE STATES) - they all want to crowd around and tell us ‘how to do it’ - so I had the Army guys keep the crowd back. So....  happy ending  ...we dug down and no sinkhole. There were some compaction problems that the contractor will need to work on, but overall, it was in pretty good shape. But what a great diversion....

Okay, so you are probably asking yourself - what does the ranking military and the senior civilian at Umm Qasr do most of the day?  

Obviously hard work, establishing a professional environment and setting the proper example for the troops. Please see photo.  Yep, that is us. Navy Capt Myles Esmele and myself hard at work....in a war zone....leading the troops.  Inspiring isn't it?

Alright, I have been trying to find a photo of this building BL (before liberation).   (I could find it on google but unless you were looking for it -  it would be hard to explain where it is). But, I am working on an area where there is a LOT of damage/building rubble. And I had my photo taken in front of this LOOONG pile of rubble. (Photo below). I had no idea what it was - other than just a bunch of battle damage.

Well, I got back to the office and I was fooling around on google maps, trying to mark out areas I was looking at, and found that this long pile of rubble was a HUGE mansion/palace (if you are curious, write me back and I will forward you the link - you can see a "fuzzy foto" - but it was definitely a big old building). I am not positive, but the ‘rumor mill’ here with the interpreters was that this was the Sadaam Iraqi Navy Headquarters Building. But of course, after we liberated Iraq, it was a house of pancakes. (Yeah, I know...I crack me up too.)

And finally, once again, I thought I was going to have no other good stories for you - and then out of the blue, I get a trip to go out to one of the oil platforms (where all of the Iraqi money is made) - so we start off in a boat for a 3-hour tour (a 3-hour tour) - - the weather did not start getting rough - but we did lose a screw.... and that is not a reference to my mental state (the screw is only loose - not lost...) 

So we had to turn around halfway - but it gave me a great opportunity to talk with some of the Iraqi Navy crew and to take a photo or two as well. If you look at this photo, you will see what I would NOT be doing if we were attacked by Iranian Fast Attack Craft. This was strictly a photo op - and (in case you were wondering) if we were attacked, I would have been inside with my head ducked down and letting the professionals handle it. 

This last photo is me having lunch with the Iraqis (talk about letting your professionals handle something....at last - what I have been training for all these years - to show these guys how to EAT!)  

Actually, it was a good time - I got to talk with several of the "young" Iraqi officers and hear their different stories.  They were trying to get me to say Iraqi words (which you all know I suck at) and then they would laugh. After I told them I would call them back in 5 minutes (Hamss Dkaik Warkarblkrk)... boy, did that confuse them...  any rate, one of them told me his brother lives in Boston.....

Heh-heh.... Boston, where?

machew.... moochoowitz.... mamuchoos....

Mass a CHU sits.... then we laughed pretty good. Okay, since I mentioned "CHU"...  one more CHU joke from last week - it's a good one....okay...maybe ‘good’ is the wrong word.... it is not as terrible as it could be.

What do you call the CHU where the women live...? 

A moustache....( a few man CHU....)

I told you I crack me up.... 

Anyrate, there are some very good young officers that I talked with on the trip out there and back. We did talk a little politics and a little about life before/after Sadaam. So it was an enjoyable time - even though we may have disagreed on a few things. We did agree that Americans are rich - even the ones who many of us would consider "poor" the Iraqis would consider well off.  (Do you have running water?  Do you have electricity more than 50% of the time?  Do you have access to a car (not own a car...but have ACCESS to one?) The Iraqi average ‘wage’ is something like $21 a month. We also agreed that Iraqis want to be free and they are happy we liberated them. Like I said, this was just Wade chatting with some officers and it helped to pass the time.  I also have a couple photos of some wrecked boats - I will add those to Face Book for my "Friday Teaser".

Well once again, with that - my time is at end (and of course, after that last joke, many of you may not ever read again.) And, many thanks to my Sunday School class. We "skyped" last week for about 10 minutes and it was great seeing all of those smiling faces. And thanks to all of you who wrote, or emailed.

I am staying safe. I am having fun. I am working hard. I am missing home and I am an American.

God Bless America

Wade "Mr. Wide"

مهندس  واد  بروير

Week 7 - My Week in Iraq

Good morning (or evening - depending upon where you are...) I hope you had a good week. And greetings from Umm Qasr... (Umm Qasr: which I believe is Arabic for "so hot you can fry an egg on the sidewalk - and probably slow roast a water buffalo over the hood of an old car at the same time")

Okay, every one needs an "off-day" correct?  Well, the excellent local contractor that I have working for me had an "off-day". Here is what happened - I asked them to come and demolish this old tank (a BIG one) and it had a LOT of concrete in it. Well, they demolished it - and all of this concrete rubble was put off to the side where they could eventually haul it away. I have an "old" photo of what the tank looked like before they started work. 

You can not easily tell from this photo - but the tank had this huge rim of metal filled with 3 feet of solid concrete inside of it. So the contractor decides to send a "dump truck" to the site (to be fair, it was one of several "dump trucks" - the others were much bigger and were not so.... umm... "jingle-ly" which is our polite way of saying - not exactly up to the US standards.)

So, this guy shows up in this little tractor - pulling a little junky trailer. Now remember, we are ENCOURAGING local guys working here.... so this guy shows up and delivers several bags of cement and some sand... okay - and they load him up with rubble. The guy starts up his tractor to take off and "BAM" - his trailer is so overloaded, the axle broke right off of the trailer and the bed hit the wheels. 

You will notice the guy working on his trailer.... look closely - the bed is riding on TOP OF the wheels. The guy tried to drive off anyway. .....Nope.

So, they unload the guy - and he starts working on the trailer - and let me tell you - a couple of times, I had to say, "STOP!" as they have no concept of working safely. So, I was worried someone was going to lose something - like a head or an upper torso.... sheesh.

Anyrate, they finally jerry-rig the trailer and the guy limps out of the compound - at about 3 miles an hour (I think he is still driving home into Umm Qasr as I write this.)

However, I don't want to leave you with the impression that this is how my local guy always works. 

You can see how he moves one of our CHU’s (CHU is "con-tainerized housing unit" - pro-nounced "choo".)

So what do you call a CHU that the AC is not working? 

A sneeze (Hot-CHU)

What do you call a CHU where you eat?

A train (a Chew CHU)

I have more (kids, you can play this at home as well), but even my grandkids are moaning right now.... so I better stop before I lose you all.

Okay, let me share a quick, funny (funny-weird) thing that happened this week - it kind of illustrates the lunacy of living in a camp with way too many groan (grown) men. 

Okay, it is about 8:30 at night - and one of the ‘Terps that works with me, being the nice guy that he is, brings me a falafel for dinner (I love falafels - so I give him a couple of thousand dinari ($2) and he buys them for me over at the Iraqi BX) - so he brings me a couple of falafels but I am done for the night. Okay, no big deal - I will take them over to the fridge in my office (my hootch doesn't have a fridge) and put them in there for tomorrow.

As I said, I am done for the day - so I am in my super hero PJ’s (in case you wanted to know - the super hero pj’s are my favorite and I just got them out of the wash.) So I start walking to the office (proudly - I might add) and I get some "cat-calls" from the British guys (they were being funny - not insulting) but I am sure - seeing a short, bald, overweight guy walking around - in the dark -in his super hero PJ’s - is NOT something you expect to see in a war zone. But, any rate as they make the cat-call - I almost fall over from shock. Let me tell you about the British guys. They LOVE to go up and sunbathe on the top of the CHU’s. I mean, it is well over 100 degrees here - and these guys go up there and lay on a hot tin roof (they bring blankets and lay on those so they don't stick to the roof.)..... but, here is the thing.... the camp management had to ask them to put on clothes - as they were up there in the buff..... uck. So NOW some of them go up there in.... you guessed it..... thongs  (double uck!)

Talk about your culture shock.... yech.

What is worse is - when I was doing over-watch of one of the projects - I would have to stand in one of the guard towers to oversee all of the locals working - and I got WAY too much of a view of the "White Cliffs of Dover" - if you know what I mean. (BTW, there were several other "references" I could have used here. But in honor of the "Royal Wedding" I won't use them... but know this..... there were some good ones.) Any rate, back to what I was saying - so these guys have the "nerve/gall/whatever" to cat-call ME for wearing some cool-looking PJ’s???

Please.... 

And NO... I did NOT take photos of the guys sunbathing.... and if I accidentally did, I would break the camera with a sledge hammer, burn the SD card, mix the remains in with some concrete and throw it to the bottom of the sewer pit..... just in case you were wondering.

As I have (hopefully) mentioned before - I am getting to do some real in-depth-type engineering stuff. I am one of the true "degreed" engineers over in this little part of the country, so I am asked my opinion or to evaluate stuff quite a bit. (Definitely doesn't mean I am smarter than anyone else - it mostly means I can usually come to some type of logical conclusion about something...but we are out here in the boonies of Iraq and so we are on our own quite a bit.) But truthfully, this is probably the most fun I have over here - that and when I get to design stuff.

So any rate, the big guy over here looked at a new pier wall and saw it was rusting. Well, to make a long story short, I have to get on a boat and go look at the rust - and determine if it is a problem or not. Now for me, that is the cool part. So I go talk to the Coast Guard - they have these cool little boats that can get into these small areas and I can look at the rust spots. Sweeeeet. 

However.... one little problem. I have to gear up when I get on the boat. That means I will have to wear my flak jacket and helmet (about 50 - 60 lbs. of additional weight) while I am on the boat. It's hard to WALK in that stuff, how am I supposed to swim?? And then, I have to lean out over the boat, touch the rust (yep - ya gotta do that) and try to take a photo.... and do you know how "choppy" that water gets? Well, I didn't tell Jeanette because I didn't want her to worry. But the night before, I met with the USCG to go over their plans for the next day - I told them - I can swim good - but I can't swim in all of that gear. For the first time since I have been here, I was worried.

But you know what happened? One of the Coast Guard guys leans over to me and he says (very calmly), "Don't worry - I got you." So the next day, I am in all my gear - and we get on the boat and they give me this little "floaty" thing. 

Now the only thing that this floaty thing could do is make me hotter, (did I mention it was 108 degrees outside?) but there is no way it was going to keep me from sinking like a rock.

The guy gets in the boat and asks me if I am ready. I was. Then he says,"I told you.... don't worry...... I got you. Anything happens, I know exactly what to do." Well, the guy was by my side the entire time. We went to the pier wall - and several times, I had to turn around and lean out and touch the wall - and get photos. 

Every time I got up, he would grab the little strap on the back of my flak jacket and hold me, just tight enough so that I knew he was there. I did my thing with the camera and we headed back to the dock. As we got out I said, "So, if I fell in, how could you have possibly saved me?  This stuff weighs a ton."

He said, "We train to sink to the bottom, take off our gear, and then we would pull you up."

"But the water is like milk - it is so silty and nasty - you can't see through it - how would you know where I was?"

"Any time you moved, I had my hand on you.  If you would have fallen towards the water, I am trained to jump in before you. I had my hand on your strap so I always would know where you’re at - even under water. You might have panicked a bit as we were going down, but I would have brought you back up before any thing bad would have happened. I told you.... don't worry..... I got you."

Huh.. How cool is that? Do I really need to say more??

And with that...... my email time once again, dear friend - has come to an end. As always, I love hearing from you - feel free to write anytime about anything. I miss you all - I am trying my best to make a difference, to represent this great country of ours, to make you all proud, and of course, to share my adventure. I hope you are enjoying the trip as much as I am.... and more than anything else - I hope you can hear someone say to you this week, "….don't worry... I got you...."

God Bless America

Wade "Mr. Wide"

مهندس  واد  بروير

Week 6 - My Week in Iraq

Good Morning! Greetings from Umm Qasr (Umm Qasr - which I think is arabic for "it's so hot here, the sand sweats...") 

Okay, so as promised - no sewer stories this weekend (is that the same as "keeping your mind out of the gutter??" not sure...)  Anyway..... remember I told you about my "haji-phone?" I got this local phone - on the advice of an officer in Baghdad - and it has come in real handy when talking to the local guys, but as I said, I SUCK at arabic, or Iraqi, or whatever you call it. 

So.... when a 'local' calls me - I would say to them.... "The interpreter will call you back in five minutes." - which is usually followed by silence or a "Huh?" on the other end....

Then, of course, I raise my voice and say "FIVE MINUTES.....I WILL CALL YOU BACK." 

But, the guy is arabic, not deaf, so that does absolutely no good.

So then - I do something MUCH smarter - I speak louder AND I go slower....."CALL.... YOU..... BACK..... FIVE...... MIN.... UTES".

After several times of me doing this with no visible change in the end result, the interpreter (again, a bright, young kid) tries to write out in phonetic english for me the phrase I was saying, (I will call you back in five minutes).... okay... here is what it looks like....

"HAMS DKAIK WAAKRBKLRLK" 

(okay now.... everybody say it together!!) And I am TOTALLY serious - that is exactly how he wrote it.

Thanks, buddy. That helped a lot. If I didn't know better, I would think that they are "punking" me with some really stupid saying like "I am an idiot - blrlblrlbrk!" I can actually say the first two words pretty easy - but every time I say the last word, the people on the phone (and those standing around me) start laughing hysterically. One guy (I think he was teasing me) said, "You just told them you would call them back with 5 goats" ....(pause while I think about it...) Actually, that works - at least then I know they will be anticipating my call.

Alright then, if you saw my facebook post - you got the "teaser" about me and the sheik outfit. Actually, I am very proud of that outfit. Parts of it were given to me by a local sheik (think village elder) and the rest of it, I bought. BTW, we are allowed to accept minor "gifts" from locals (no "quid pro quo") so this is perfectly legal (and, not that it matters, but I did "exchange" gifts with him).

Anyway, this is me in the "sheik" outfit. My 'Terp said we could pretty much go walking down the street in downtown Baghdad in this and no one would bother me. Of course, my problem is that the guards on camp are so jumpy, I was afraid to walk out of the small area just outside my office - because I didn't want to be "mistaken" for a local and have them go all 'Rodney King' on me and throw me outside (did I mention things are a little tense in the last week or so??).

By the way, before I forget, I wanted to tell you - our guards are from Africa - mostly Kenyan or Ugandan. And they are the most polite people - who will break your foot and shoot you if you look at them wrong - but they are so polite and even-keeled about it.... it is hard to get upset with them. "Hello, Sir. Good morning, Sir. How are you? If you move one more step I will shoot you in the head. Thank you and have a nice day." Their diction is perfect too. I mean, come on, let's face it - if someone is going to threaten you, don't you want them to be polite about it? I am slightly teasing about the shooting part - they do carry guns and they don't mess around - but they are very polite and respectful. And understand that they are ALWAYS watching out for me. Like when I have locals come in, I get busy working with the locals and forget where I am - but the guys will come up and check on me every so often - so even though I kid about them, they are a huge part of the team. 

To give you an idea - see this photo? Look to the left - there is a Kenyan watching over as we unload pipe. He would pop out every so often and just check to see that I am okay. What's not to love about that?

Okay, so, back to the sheik outfit, one of the USMC guys looked at my photo and said I look more like a jedi knight than a sheik - everybody's a critic.... One of the most important parts of the outfit is the little round black thing on my head. It is a very sacred piece of the sheik's outfit. Think of it like a flag - it is not allowed to touch the ground - and if it does - they throw it away (similar to how we "decommission the flag" if it touches the ground)..... but, it is very important to the sheiks - so I try and be very respectful of this piece of their garb. Especially since this was a gift.

You can't see it, but there is a little white hat (believe it or not, there is a summer and a winter hat) that I wear under the scarf on my head. I will also tell you something funny - it was warm out when I put this on - but I was not "hot" (meaning temperature-wise, not looks-wise. Some things are just inevitable...) but I was not warm in the outfit until I put on that brown see-through robe over the top. I was actually quite comfortable in just the shirt (and there are "jammies" that you wear under the robe) but it got downright warm once I put that frilly little robe thing on. That surprised me.

Do you remember me sending this photo of the "mideast" style toilet Now do you see why they have "squatter" toilets? (I can hear most of you saying "TMI!  TMI!) - but the garb explains why they want these type of toilets vs. the western style toilets. (A funny story about the toilets - when I was in Afghan-istan, the designers thought they were smarter than the Afghans were - so they put a bunch of western-style toilets in the Afghan National Army base... and the designers thought they would "force" the Afghans to sit on those toilets. Of course, the designers left and I was in charge of getting the bathrooms constructed. After we got the toilets up and running, we discovered that the Afghans still squatted, they would just stand on the little plastic lid and do their business from on high - which, by the way, caused an even bigger mess....so eventually, we put mideastern-style toilets back in).

Okay - back to the outfit.... Just so you know, now that I am an "official" sheik - I am allowed to have four wives (by contract). The sheik that I exchanged gifts with has two wives..... I told him how much wiser he was than me - as I can't match wits with one wife - I couldn't fathom having two! I am not sure, but since we exchanged gifts and the sheik was a fast talker, I don't think Jeanette can come over here - as I may have accidentally traded her.....

Okay on to the "big news" for the week....

Usama bin laden - 1957-2011

Some have asked me if I am "happy" UBL is dead or did we "celebrate" over here. This may surprise you - but I have seen enough of misery and people suffering in my two deployments that I try not to celebrate death - I try to celebrate life. Death is all around.... you have to look for signs of life. My feeling is there are too many people - both in Iraq and in Afghanistan - suffering and hurting - to waste time and energy on this creep. We have serious work to do - he is out of the way. There are other creeps out there who want us just as dead. But, I cannot do anything about those creeps.....

So I "choose" to continue to do what I can to help these folks. Which is.....

1. Try and help the Iraqi Navy become an independent military force. As I was driving around the camp with the British Base Commander, he was telling a visiting dignitary about the Iraqis in general. I am paraphrasing - but here is basically what he said..... "If anyone thinks that you can change the culture of the Iraqis in 5 or 6 years, you are not being honest with yourself. The Iraqis have had many decades (including before Sadaam) of bad training, bad decisions and total lack of acceptance of failure - so consequently - any officer over 30 years old is probably too far gone. We have a bunch of really good young officers, who we can work with. Once these officers take over and get in charge of things - in about 20 years or so - then, we will see some real movement on a smooth working military." 

(for the heck of it - because we all like photos - I threw in this photo of some of the Defender class boats in the Iraqi Navy. These are the boats normally piloted by these "young officers".) But understand that the Captain has it correct. I know we all like "quick fixes" - but some things require time and patience. I generally agree with his thoughts - as I have seen some of the older officers absolutely "shut down" mentally when it comes time to make a decision. However, I am also an "older" guy - and I thrive on changes and new directions - so as with any "generalized" statement, there are exceptions to the rule.

2. Another thing I can continue to do is to try to help the local Iraqis - I have been really encouraged the last several weeks with the quality of work I have been getting out of the local companies. So have the people around camp who have been absolutely astounded by how hard the locals work. I have been so happy, I have given the locals more work and more responsibilities. This helps them with jobs, training, responsibility and restores local pride. I make sure to tell them that I am proud of them for working hard for me - I also tell them that when they work hard for me, they are also working hard for themselves and for their country. And when Americans see them busting their hump to get work done - that word will eventually spread. I have already had other people come up to me and ask me to get some of these locals to do work for them. It is a small thing - but (call me an optimist or a dreamer - and I will happily accept that term) but small things add up. Baby steps.... one step at a time... and what's more - I believe it - because I have seen it work.

3. And I need to continue to try and share with others what I see. Again, you can disagree with me politically, religously, whatever - but I tell you what I see. Do I have my own perspective? Sure I do. I love to see people work hard, play hard and have fun - and when I see that, I talk about it. And I will tell you this - as I believe it with ALL of my heart - when I see what some of these people have gone through - the horrible years with Sadaam (and they tell stories...) and then the war - and the continuing battles and bombings.....

Then I go out and see young kids playing over here in this messy, war-torn place.... and I see young men and women laughing and smiling and working hard to raise families in the midst of all of this rubble - I am amazed at how well they are adjusting. But you know what they tell me? (more than once).... THANK YOU.... with all of the things they have gone through - they thank me (us) for setting them free and allowing them to live in a democracy. I remind them they have a long way to go - but (like most of those "young officers") they would rather be given a chance - and potentially fail - than to never be given a chance at all. What a great attitude. I am blessed to know and work with some great Iraqis...... and some great Americans.

Once again, I have used up my allotted time - but I so enjoy sharing my adventures with you all. I am very busy, but the few minutes I can take to draft this up really helps me "cope." It is kind of my version of Charlie Brown talking to Lucy when the "Doctor is IN" and it costs 5 cents... Again, I can't thank all of those people enough who emailed, wrote, or sent me stuff. And even though I am having a great adventure, I really do miss home and everything about my great country.

God Bless America

Wade "Mr. Wide" Brower

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